Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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