Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
