It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i think i have two assholes
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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