Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This is my gift to your gina
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
