So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
dude. I can hear the air.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
