i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
