I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
