I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
