please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
