Say something about gay babies.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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