I think my fart just growled at me.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
