remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
