I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
