Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
