his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
