Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
