So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
