I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
