Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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