I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
