I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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