If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Couch. On fire.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
