i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
