I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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