So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
