Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
