he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
