there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
did you just send me my own nude
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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