I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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