She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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