My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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