you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
