I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
