I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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