The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
