Cold hands, warm shart.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize