his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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