You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
