this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my shit smells like andre
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
