i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
