i just had sex bonerless
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
