It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
