look no pants
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
