I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
