I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
