I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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