totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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