I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Randomize