Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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