I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
