he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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