i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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