every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Acid is not a monday night drug
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
