i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
