I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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