Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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