i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
