Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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