If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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