so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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