I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
