had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
