i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
