So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
