So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
