Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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