If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
