The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
